Fear

I’m now two months into the adult b’nai mitzvah class and I’m overcome with fear.

Fear that my fellow classmates will find out how little I really know about the classic Bible stories we’re reading (Adam & Eve, Noah, Abraham & Isaac, Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors - shouldn’t I know these from all those years of Catholic school?!)  

Fear of never, ever being able to learn Hebrew (it’s really hard to go right to left - metaphorically and literally!)

Fear of being perceived as a religious zealot by friends and family (“You’re like Super Jew” is a common refrain. And I’m not always sure it’s meant as a compliment, especially when my eye-rolling teenagers say it.)  

Fear that I’m too old. That I’m not smart enough. That I’m just not as serious as all these other people.   

So this morning I found myself drafting an email to the instructor letting him know that while I appreciate the opportunity to be part of this extraordinary group of Jewish adults, I just can’t commit right now.  I just can’t do it.

But before I pushed “send,” my mind flashed on this beautiful piece of public art I saw on my recent trip to Johannesburg. The artist Hannelie Coetzee chiseled the image of a person onto a wall so that it looked like a man walking through the bricks and the plaster.  Our guide explained that Coetzee wanted to show that on our spiritual journey, we have to walk through the wall to get to the other side - enlightenment.  

For me, that wall is fear.  And I can’t walk around it.  I can’t sneak down a side street to avoid it. I have to face it head on.  I have to walk through it.  

I deleted the email. And I'll be back in class tomorrow night.